Funerals Are Fun
by Red Witch
Summary: You've heard about pet funerals right? Well the XMen learn the hard way that the Misfits are masters of madness at whatever they do! Even a simple animal service doesn't go without disasters!


**Warning: The following is an insane fic written by an insane person. Such person does not own any X-Men Evolution or GI Joe characters except for the ones that are obviously not from either show but are made up by the insane person. If you haven't figured out which are which then you really haven't been paying attention to anything this insane person has written have you? **

**Funerals are Fun**

"I LOVE POOL PARTIES!" Pietro shouted. "CANNONBALL!" He splashed into the water.

"Quicksilver!" Scott sputtered as water splashed all over him. "Cut it out!"

"Has it ever occurred to you guys that it might be nice for you to actually be **invited **before showing up and having a pool party at our place?" Jean put her hands on her hips.

"Why?" Pietro looked at her as he casually did the backstroke. "Where's the fun in that?" 

"Who wants burgers?" Fred called out as he grilled. 

"I'll take one," Lance said as he lounged on a beach chair. "You up for one Xi?"

"I believe so," Xi was presently studying a brightly colored inflatable beach ball. "What is the purpose of this thing?"

"It's a beach ball," Todd told him. "Here, I'll show you." Todd then tossed the ball so it bonked on Scott's head.

"Oh," Xi nodded. "I see." He watched as it floated back to him. "May I?"

"Knock yourself out," Todd motioned. Xi then bonked Scott with the beach ball.

"You mean try to knock me out with the beach ball," Scott grumbled. 

"Hey what's going on?" Althea pointed from the water. Jamie was holding something in his hands. He didn't look very happy. 

"Jamie what's the matter?" Jean asked.

"It's this bird I found," Jamie held it in his hands. "I think he's sick." 

"Oh the poor thing," Jean studied it. "Let's get it to Mr. McCoy in the infirmary." 

"You think Mr. McCoy can fix it?" Jamie asked.

"I'm sure he can do something for it," Jean went with him to the lab. 

"XI WILL YOU STOP BONKING ME WITH THE STUPID BEACH BALL BEFORE I BLOW IT UP?" Scott shouted.

"Yeah Xi there are a lot of other people you can bonk with this," Lance took the beach ball and hit Peter on the head with it. 

"I really am beginning to hate them," Peter grumbled.

"Join the club," Scott muttered. 

"I'd like to and then hit them over the head with it," Peter told him. 

************************************************************************

The next day…

"Okay Xi I don't know where you got all those beach balls but I am not going to stand here and let you hit me with them all day!" Scott snapped. Then he was hit with a beach ball from behind. "That goes for you too Kurt!"

"Who wants smoothies?" Fred called out. 

"Ooh! Me!" Todd waved his hand as he bobbed in the pool. 

"Yeah it's party time!" Pietro called out. Then he noticed Jamie walking out of the mansion. He looked upset. Pietro ran over to him. "Hey why so glum chum?" 

"The poor little bird died," Jamie sniffed. 

"Oh Jamie I'm so sorry," Kitty said. "But that's what happens sometimes." 

"I know," Jamie looked sad. "But still…" 

"You know what?" Pietro said. "I think we need to have a funeral for our little friend. I'll do it!" 

"What?" Remy looked at him.

"That's not a bad idea," Jean said. 

"Merde! They must need some snow shovels down below," Remy grumbled. "If you guys start agreeing with Pietro." 

"Look all we need to do is bury it and say a few words," Scott said.

"Like what?" Remy asked. "Chirpy McBird was a good bird? Give me a break!" 

Rogue took her gloved hand and twisted Remy's ear. "I'll give you a break if you don't stop acting like an insensitive jerk swamp rat!" 

"Just leave everything in my capable hands," Pietro took Jamie by the shoulder. "Now the first thing we need to do is plan a buffet."

"A buffet?" Jamie asked.

"Of course," Pietro told him. "It's like the last party your bird will ever have. A big send off to that great birdbath in the sky!"

"Oh give me a break Pietro!" Scott groaned. "Let's not go overboard on this."

"Now wait a minute Scott maybe he's onto something," Jamie said. He then asked Pietro. "Will there be cake?"

"Why not?" Pietro shrugged.

"Cool," Jamie smiled. "Okay let's go plan the funeral." 

"Good," Pietro then steered him away. "You know I could also get some kind of music for the ceremony." They went off talking.

"There he goes again," Todd sighed. 

"He's done this before?" Scott asked. 

"Oh yeah," Fred nodded. "But he's very good." 

"You're serious," Scott looked at Lance. 

"Do you have any idea how many pet funerals I've been to with this bunch?" Lance asked. "It used to be one of the main attractions in the Brotherhood house." 

"You're joking," Jean looked at him.

"He isn't," Althea said. "You should have seen the mini graveyard they had in back of the Brotherhood house." 

"Are you telling me that you guys used to kill animals and…" Jean started.

"Whoa Red!" Lance held up his hand. "Stop right there! In the first place most of those animals died of natural causes…or some kind of accident."

"Or were eaten," Tabitha looked at Fred.

"We didn't have any food in the house that night remember?" Fred looked at her. "I didn't hear you complaining about that goldfish soup I made! In fact, if I remember correctly you asked for seconds…**_after_** you found out what it was!" 

"Okay there goes my appetite," Kurt sighed. 

"Besides a lot of those animals we found were road kill or something," Lance said.

"Road kill?" Kurt asked.

"You know hit by a car or something," Todd said. "We'd check up and down the street and if we saw a dead animal we took it out back and buried it." 

"Let me get this straight," Scott put his hand to his head. "You guys used to go looking for dead animals in order to bury them and have a funeral…for entertainment?"

"Hey at least we didn't kill them!" Lance snapped. "On purpose anyway." 

"We were doing a community service!" Todd said proudly. "Taking care of those poor dead animals nobody wanted."

Scott looked at them. "You know the more I hear about your lives back at the Brotherhood House…the scarier you guys become."

"Well I think it's kind of nice what they did," Kitty defended. "In a weird sick morbid sort of way." 

"Yeah I mean as long as they didn't kill them I guess it's okay," Kurt said. He looked at Tabitha. "They didn't kill any of them did they?" 

"Well not on purpose but there were one or two incidents…" Tabitha started to say. 

"Hey kids what's going on?" Shipwreck asked as he and Storm walked out of the mansion. 

"Pietro's planning one of his funeral spectaculars for that bird Jamie found yesterday," Althea said. 

"That is so weird," Remy grumbled rubbing his sore ear. 

"I don't see the problem with a funeral for a bird. I've been planning Polly's for years," Shipwreck said. 

"Awk! Don't hold your breath!" Polly flew above them. "I'll out live you all! Ha ha!"

"You wish featherbrain!" Shipwreck snapped. "Come down here and fight like a man!"

"Come and get me!" Polly cackled. Shipwreck then chased Polly around shouting insults. 

"Oh my," Ororo groaned. "I think I'm getting another headache." 

"I think I'm starting to understand why animal funerals have such an appeal to you guys," Scott groaned. 

"Come on Misfits! Let's help Pietro with the party!" Althea shouted. Soon all the Misfits went off to help Pietro. 

"I hate to admit it but what those guys planning animal funerals isn't really so bad," Kurt said. "Disturbing and morbid but not really bad." 

"Yeah I'm kind of curious to see what exactly their idea of a funeral is," Amara said. "Did I really just say that?"

"Wait until you see it," Tabitha snickered. "Its one show you won't believe." 

************************************************************************

"Okay where the heck did Pietro get the choir?" Remy grumbled. They were sitting outside for the service. There were flowers everywhere and a small choir out to the side. 

"Friends of his," Rogue sighed. "He just knows people."

"I love the flower arrangement," Jean remarked. "It's amazing what he did in one day." 

"How much you wanna bet Pietro found a way to access the Professor's credit card?" Bobby sighed. 

"You'd win that bet Bobby," Xavier sighed. The adults were sitting off to the side. Even the Joe adults that were in charge of the Misfits were there. 

"How did he…?" Shipwreck asked.

"Don't ask," Xavier moaned. "Please!" 

"Why are we allowing this?" Logan groaned.

"Well for one thing it's a life lesson," Hank said. "It's a chance for the younger students to learn about closure."

"No really why are we doing this?" Logan looked at him.

"Okay I admit it," Hank muttered. "I'm in it for the food. Hey don't look at me like that! We're all going a little stir crazy around here!" 

"I think we're all going crazy period," Logan grumbled. 

"Well we are all getting a little cooped up lately," Xavier sighed. "There's a definite need for a break around here. Of course I never would have thought that I would consider going to a funeral for entertainment until I hit 90 but that's another story." 

"Well as funerals go this isn't that bad," Scott looked around. 

"I think the Mariaichi band's a bit much," Rogue whispered. They looked at the colorful band playing on. 

Pietro walked up to the podium in a priest robes. "Greetings ladies and gentlemen…and everything else. We are gathered here brothers and sisters to celebrate the life of one of the Lord's noble creatures! Unfortunately all we could get was a bird so we'll just have to make do."

"Oh god," Lance groaned. 

"Quiet in the peanut gallery," Pietro snapped. "I'm in charge here. Now what can we say about our fine feathered friend? What do we know about him? Not much. So I got this guidebook." Pietro held it up. "According to the book our bird was an American Goldfinch. Common in flocks in weedy fields, bushes and roadsides. It's a wonder more of them aren't roadkill…"

"Most girls my age spend their afternoons at the mall or with friends," Jean groaned. "I am at a funeral for a bird!"

"Yeah and a loon is presiding over the service," Rogue added. 

"Our bird friend whom I shall call Goldie was a good bird," Pietro went on. "He was fond of thistles, sunflowers and dandelions. He entertained people with his long, high sweet songs. Well maybe good isn't completely accurate. I mean for all we know this bird was in the avian equivalent of the Mafia." 

"And here comes the entertainment," Wanda said. 

"I mean what do we really know about these little buggers?" Pietro went on. "They fly around all day mooching seeds off birdfeeders everywhere. They poop on our cars and wake us up at five-o clock in the morning with their racket! Okay they're cute and they sing nice but what are they really saying? Ever think about that?" 

"You don't want to know what I'm thinking right now," Logan grumbled. 

"I'm telling you this they'd better have one heck of a buffet," Remy grumbled folding his arms. 

"Is there a point to all this?" Scott snapped.

"Is there ever?" Todd answered him. 

"Yeah why do you always have to be the one in charge of these things?" Fred asked. "You never let the rest of us have a turn. That really stinks!"

"Speak for yourself Blob," Lance said. "I'm perfectly happy to be a spectator to all this!"

"Well it's nice to know somebody is," Kurt said.

"I'd like to try it," Todd said.

"You're not qualified!" Pietro snapped.

"How qualified do you have to be to bury a bird?" Fred snapped. "Back on the farm we buried animals all the time! Well what we didn't eat but that's another story." 

"Freddy the last thing we want to hear is another one of your stupid farm stories," Pietro said.

"No the last thing we want to hear is another one of your stupid sermons!" Fred snapped. 

"Testify Brother Blob!" Todd raised his hands in the air. 

"I'd love to testify," Rogue muttered. "I'll testify at any time that whoever kills these dorks did it in self defense!" 

"Don't call my sermons stupid!" Pietro snapped.

"Well what else would you call something that you obviously didn't put in any effort in?" Fred snapped. "This is the skunk's funeral all over again!" 

"Yeah that wasn't the only thing that stunk," Lance said.

"Hey you know perfectly well that I have a gland condition and at the time soap and water didn't…" Todd bristled.

"Not you! Him!" Lance pointed.

"Oh sorry," Todd apologized. 

"I know I should try and stop this but I can't…" Hank blinked. "It's too fascinating."

"Hank you really got to get out of the lab more often," Logan groaned. 

"You know now that I think about it you did cause a lot of those 'accidents'!" Fred said. "The way you drive it wouldn't surprise me if you ran over half of those poor animals!" 

"Yeah like what you did with Todd and Wanda Jr.!" Todd snapped. "It was bad enough that you tried to set them on fire by crashing that mini car into a tree but then you had to flush them down the toilet!" 

"Todd and Wanda Jr.?" Rogue looked at Wanda.

"Don't ask!" Wanda groaned. "For the love of god don't ask!" 

"You have to admit that was cold Pietro," Fred said. 

"Well at least I never **sat **on any of them!" Pietro snapped. "Here's an imitation of when Freddy met Harry!" He made a squishing sound and then a strangled croak.

"Okay Pietro you are gonna…" Fred rolled up his sleeve and made a fist.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Todd shouted and stood up. He glared at the two of them. "What was that about Harry?" 

"Uh…" Fred gulped.

"Who's Harry?" Ray asked.

"My pet frog," Todd told him. "Now what's this I hear about Fred and Harry?"

"Uh Todd," Fred gulped. "We kind of had a little accident…"

"ACCIDENT?" Todd's voice got higher. "ACCIDENT?" 

"What do you mean we?" Pietro said. "You had the accident!" 

"Well its Pietro's fault in the first place for letting him loose in the house when he was supposed to be looking after him!" Fred pointed. 

"Yeah but you sat on him!" Pietro snapped. 

"YOU TOLD ME HARRY DIED IN THE DANGER ROOM ON A SPY MISSION!" Todd shouted.

"We lied, okay?" Pietro said. 

"Wait a minute…" Rogue said. "Something sounds familiar….Harry…Wait a minute! Is **that** why you were sliming all our lockers for a solid week?" 

"And my car!" Scott shouted. 

"Hold on a second!" Kurt stood up. "I thought it was you who sent that note! I knew it! I knew it was you who got me in detention!"

"Wait back up!" Wanda held up her hands. "What's all this about?"

"Don't look at me," Tabitha shrugged. "It was before I got here." 

"My car…" Scott groaned. "My car! I knew Duncan didn't put in those dents!" 

"So that's what the note was all about!" Kitty groaned. 

"Note what note?" Althea asked. 

"I told you they were behind it!" Scott snapped. "I knew it when he wrecked my car!"

"I did not wreck your car," Todd said. 

"Toad it needed a complete overhaul of the engine thanks to you!" Scott snapped. "I'd call that wrecked!" 

"Oh stop being such a drama freak!" Todd snapped. 

"Look who's talking!" Pietro snapped. "You're making a fuss over a stupid frog!"

"Hey Harry was not stupid!" Todd snapped. 

"You're right," Lance said. "Blob was stupid for sitting on him in the first place!"

"I didn't see him okay!" Fred snapped. "Besides that was when we had that green couch! He blended in perfectly!" 

"Do you have any idea how much it cost to get it back into shape?" Scott shouted.

"Well maybe if you were paying more attention to what was going on around you rather than filling your fat stomach it never would have happened in the first place!" Lance shouted.

"Hey at least I tried to do something about it other than whining!" Fred snapped.

"Oh yeah you brought a giraffe home! That was a brilliant idea!" Lance threw up his hands. 

"So that's why you guys did it!" Kurt shouted. "I don't believe this!"

"And the clutch has never been the same since then," Scott grumbled. 

"Scott we're off your corvette and we're on the night we were nearly mauled to death by those cheetahs!" Kurt told him. 

"That's how you got those scratches!" Ororo shouted. "You lied to me! You snuck out of the house and got into a scrape with the Brotherhood and you didn't tell us!" 

"And you were the one who put sugar in the gas tank as well! Admit it!" Scott snapped at Todd. 

"I admit nothing," Todd said. "They're the killers over there!"

**__**

"WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FLAMING HECK IS GOING ON?" Logan roared. **_"I'M LOST HERE!" _**

"You're not the only one," Hank said. 

"They were doing stuff to us at school," Rogue explained. "We got this weird note in all our lockers that said 'Revenge for Harry'! That's who Harry was? A stupid frog!"

"Harry was not stupid!" Todd snapped. "He was a very smart frog and a loyal companion!" 

"He was a frog that didn't know how to get out of the way of Fred's big behind!" Lance snapped. "Get over it!" 

"So because none of you would own up about his frog Kurt got detention, our lockers got trashed, the zoo was destroyed…" Jean began.

"Don't forget my car!" Scott shouted.

"Scott will you give it a rest about your stupid car for a minute will ya?" Jean snapped.

"Don't call my car stupid!" Scott snapped. 

"Excuse me," A policeman walked up to them. "I'm Officer Harrison. We've been getting complaints about the noise from down the street. What is going on here?"

"We're having a funeral," Pietro said. "I should say we're trying to have a funeral but somebody keeps interrupting!"

"That's because you're not doing it right!" Fred snapped. 

"Uh you do know this is a residential zone and that you're not supposed to bury anyone here right?" Officer Harrison looked at them.

"It's a pet funeral," Xavier sighed. 

"Goldie wasn't a pet, we found him," Jamie said. "Hey can we get this over with? I'm hungry!" 

"No it is not over with until we get this all sorted out!" Todd snapped. 

"You're darn right it isn't!" Rogue snapped. "How could you guys do that to Toad?"

"Forget Toad! How about what he did to us?" Kitty snapped.

"My poor car…" Scott muttered. 

"Yeah I still say Goldie was in some kind of Mafia," Pietro said.

"That's not what killed him Pietro. I ran an autopsy," Hank sighed. 

"Autopsy? Mafia?" The cop looked at them. "Maybe we should file a report with the police…"

"That won't be necessary officer you see…" Xavier started to say.

"I think that should be up to the district attorney to decide that," The cop looked at him. "If there was a murder committed…" 

"None of us ever killed anyone!" Fred shouted.

"You killed Harry!" Todd snapped. 

"What?" Officer Harrison looked at him.

"How many times do I have to say I didn't see him!" Fred shouted. "I didn't mean to sit on him! It was an accident!" 

"Um…on second thought I think I'll be on my way," Officer Harrison nervously backed away. 

"No officer you don't understand…" Xavier tried to say.

"No explanation is necessary!" Officer Harrison yelled as he ran.

"But…But…." Xavier sputtered.

"I think you might want to get your lawyer Charles," Shipwreck said. 

"I don't think that will be necessary," Xavier sighed. "I'm sure it will all be explained that there are no people involved and…"

"No I think you're gonna need a lawyer for that," Shipwreck pointed.

"COME BACK HERE WITH MY HAT YOU…YOU WHATEVER YOU ARE!" Officer Harrison chased Lockheed around. Lockheed was playfully gnawing his hat.

"KITTY!" Logan shouted.

"No Lockheed!" Kitty ran after him. "Bad Dragon! Bad Dragon!" 

"AWK ONE ADAM TWELVE! ONE ADAM TWELVE CHASING SUSPECT!" Polly flew around squawking.

"Polly! Polly don't you dare…" Althea shouted. "Now look what you've done! You've ruined the nice officer's uniform!" 

"Here comes another lawsuit," Xavier groaned. 

All over nearly everyone was either fighting or chowing down on the food. Todd was shouting and arguing with Lance, Fred and Pietro. Scott and Jean were arguing about Scott's car. Kitty and Althea were chasing their respective pets along with Officer Harrison. Somehow Tabitha had taken control of the mariachi band and was dancing around with Sam. Jamie and most of the other mutants were bored and were eating already. Shipwreck was hitting on Ororo who responded by punching him in the face. Hank and the other Misfit adults were calmly passing around the alcohol and drinking. Xavier looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown. 

"Why?" Xavier moaned. "Why does everything involved with the Misfits have to go wrong?"

"Do you want the short list or the long?" Rogue asked. 

"I can't wait to see what they do when they have to go to a real funeral," Kurt shook his head.

"You may not have to wait that long," Rogue sighed as the chaos continued around them. 


End file.
